Thursday, April 16, 2015

Three Questions With Maxwell

Maxwell, seen here eyeing your wallet
It's time for what all of you have been waiting for: a new, in depth cat interview! Today's furry interviewee lives with a friend. He's an entrepreneur named Maxwell and we got together recently to discuss his goals, hobbies, likes, and dislikes.

Maxwell is an attractive fellow who keeps himself in shape with a daily regimen of jumping on and then quickly off counters, running at top speeds as he chases his feline roommates, and by wrestling his brother Reuben (no relation).

He's particularly proud of his excessive fluff and would only agree to this interview if I promised to let his fans to know that he is closely related to Keyboard cat, Socks Clinton, and NyanCat. He explained at length that he has done an exhaustive investigation of his genealogy and there is no need for anyone else to check into these claims as he is, "one-twenty tercent [sic] sure these facts are real and true facts that have been collaborated by the best minds in research of facts."

O.R.B: Thank you for making time in your busy schedule to see me, Maxwell. I really appreciate the chance to interview someone with such an impressive background and family history.

Maxwell: Yes you do appreciate it.

O.R.B: Dodos, Tasmanian Tigers, and the Zanzibar Leopard: these are all animals who have faced down the imminent threat of extinction and lost. Even as the human population grows by leaps and bounds, there are still many species of animals on the brink of disappearing, all thanks to poaching and habitat encroachment. What is your greatest skill?

Maxwell: I'm contented you have asked this inquiry. I have many skills--multitudes of adroitnesses, if you will. If you haven't noticed, I know many big words, but you would probably need a thesaurus to know as many commodious terms as I know. I do not require a thesaurus. I am this comprehending on my own, without ever looking at one.

This is nothing to be ashamed of, because you should always know I am shrewder than your average human. There is something you may do to prepare for my intelligence, however, and to protect yourself from the hazard of being a dumb human. I have for sale insurance that will protect you from the ignorance you may suffer from. It is inexpensive and comprehensive of all you could need to insulate your progenitors. Due to your readers being such big aficionados of my greatness I am willing to offer a true deal. For only two hundred currency a month I will make sure you are safeguarded. If this is not the insurance you are seeking for, I offer a voluminous range of other insurance at economical cost. Are you worried about volcanos? Do you unease yourself about toucan attacks? Has your condominium been burglarized? Would you like preservation from alien induction? I can assist. You may view my website for details and for where to send your currencies.

O.R.B: I will certainly consider your generous offer, Maxwell. Perhaps I will sign up at a later time. Now, it says in this glossy, color pamphlet you provided prior to our interview that your history is rich and varied, that you've traveled the world with "dignitaries and all the Ghandis and at least one of the Cleopatras." It would seem from these maps you've provided that you've seen all the joys and sadness our planet has to offer. I'm sure it's been tough for you to witness the suffering of some of our world's most unfortunate people in the poorest areas of the planet. Please, tell me about your nickname, "Truffle Cat."

Maxwell: Please note my pamphlet has been endorsed by the one and only Queen of Germany. She and I are compatriots. As to my moniker, you have it incorrect. Truffle Cat is not a nickname, it is a proper title. It is the largest title. I am the best Truffle Hunter and the only Truffle Cat in the world. I hold the universe's record for being the greatest at digging for truffles. No one has found truffles like I have found truffles. What's most impressively splendid about me and hunting truffles is that no one has yet proven the existence of truffles. Except for me because I am the most outstanding and I know they exist. I will locate them if I dig enough. I practice my excavating in the litter box for hours at a time for when the day comes that a truffle is to be searched I will be the one to uncover it. I have picture proof of truffles that no one else has and I am in talks with a Animal TV channel to host a show about me and about hunting truffles. [Maxwell then briefly presented me with a picture he insisted was of a truffle, but it seemed to be just an out of focus picture of a forest with a blurry spot that he had circled and noted as "truffle proof." I was not allowed to thoroughly examine this picture.]

O.R.B: You're a well-known proponent of stricter fishing regulations to be placed on large corporations. Overfishing is truly a problem for the world's oceans, becoming a greater threat as the human population grows. If this trend continues, our oceans may be depleted within only a few decades. If we don't act soon, we may seriously damage the balance of the world's largest eco-system. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Maxwell: Toys R Us has been ignored too long for its fraudulences. Multiple times I have been bamboozled by boxes promising Go Fish but only delivering playing cards. I have made inquiry and found that there is no such species as the go fish. I must settle for tuna fish or salmon. Maybe one day I will sample a clown fish or great white shark.

I have real aspirations of political ambition and initiative. I will start small, running a campaign for myself to be Governor of Canada by 2012. I have seen the news narratives of Stubbs [the cat who is the honorary mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska] and do not wish to be caught in the rut he has let himself be into. My career pretensions prove I am a real commander, not one to reside in Alaska and be ministered catnip. I will eat catnip as I see fit. No one will inform me what catnip to consume when my crown is on my head and I am leader of the state of Canada. You may contribute to my campaign with money or cash and I also take credit cards. You can dispatch them to me to the address on the pamphlet. I also will like domiciles and automobiles if they are fancy. I am a fancy cat.

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Indeed, he is truly a fancy cat. I don't know about you, readers, but I certainly feel smarter after spending this time with Truffle Cat and future Canada Commander Maxwell. I am not sure his offer of toucan insurance is for me, but I definitely feel blessed to have spent time in his presence.

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