Three Questions with Wheatley

Have you ever had a dumb boss? Someone so dimwitted and clueless that you can't understand how they got to their position in the company? I think everyone has, except for maybe Wheatley.

Wheatley's been part of my family since 2012, when we adopted him on a whim because we'd just moved from an apartment to a house and having more space meant, of course, that I could have more cats. He was a pretty cute little doofus, and has grown into a pretty cute giant doofus.

He's a monster. He's massive. I'm not sure cats are supposed to get this big. Maybe he's part elephant. The interspecies breeding might explain his cognitive abilities, actually. I've lived with him three years and I still don't know if he's a genius or an idiot.

What I do know, however, is that he looks dapper in a bowtie and that he likes to stare at me as if I'm an employee working under him who's not performing up to standards. Sometimes I wake up and he's sitting on the stool next to my bed staring at me with a disapproving expression. I'm sure it's because he's disappointed in the quality of my TPS reports.

Even though he's underwhelmed with my sales performance (despite not actually giving me anything to sell), he agreed to do an interview with me, providing I promised to remedy the fact that the 'coffee machine is out of toner again.'

O.R.B: Wheatley-

Wheatley: Yes. Where's my bagel?

O.R.B: Elect-excuse me? This is the interview you agreed to.

Wheatley: Never mind the bagel! We have a fax meeting with Fiji in eleven minutes! We need to be prepared! We have to synergize the invoices and fiduciary the filing cabinet!

O.R.B: I'll try to make this brief, then. Election season is coming up. It's already gotten underway with presidential candidates from all parties stepping up to announce that they're running. As an American I'm sure you're very concerned with the policies that will be put forth in campaign speeches and mail-out media. Where do you see yourself in ten years?

Wheatley: Susan, have you incentivized the lunch room yet? We need to hurry up and get on the same page here, or our platform will never be able to reinvent the wheel! Of course I see myself running this company in ten years. We have a product that needs to be actionable. I have the sort of forward thinking to be sure that this organization is gaining traction.

O.R.B: My name isn't... never mind. Memorial day just passed earlier this week. Families across the nation feel pride and trepidation at the choices made by relatives who have joined the armed forces. We devote several holidays across the year to recognizing the sacrifices individuals and family have made over the years that have resulted in the U.S. being seen as one of the most powerful nations in the world. What is your favorite type of kitty treat?

Wheatley: Karen, you know we need to focus on the big picture. This question is low-hanging fruit. Our competitors know the value of giving 110% and I don't think you've been observing the paradigm shifts in this office well enough. I think you'll see what I mean once you've inspected the demographic. Also, I like freeze-dried turkey snacks. They crunch and taste like turkey.

O.R.B: Celebrities in our culture have become such a commodity that they've lost almost all semblance of privacy. Everywhere you turn you see evidence of the modern tendency to invade the lives of actors, musicians, artists. Some critics believe we've decided to give up common decency in exchange for entertainment. What's your favorite sleeping spot in the house?

Wheatley: Luke, our stockholders are looking for more upward mobility. You're not moving enough units, here. You've lost sight of the company's mission statement! Where are your quarterly sales totals? My door is always open to those who believe in brainstorming as a method of administration. Going forward, let's conversate about the bench under the front window. It has a great view of the local birds.

Complex fellow, isn't he? Hopefully this interview has inspired many of you to look to your own jobs and make sure you're doing the best you can. Also, remember that there are just a few weeks left to enter my giveaway over at Goodreads!


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