Thursday, July 9, 2015

Three Questions with Lump

Lump is somehow the most annoying cat who does nothing but sleep. I mean, technically he does other things, but they're few and far between. Lump was a senior cat even as a kitten.

The first time I met Lump he was a baby, just a few weeks old, and splayed out on his back on the floor snoozing. His sister, Snapshot, was terrorizing him and their other brother Bob. Lump would periodically wake up when she pounced him, flail a bit until she gave up, and then go back to sleep. Due to his lack of personality, no one wanted Lump, so I took him in.

He hasn't changed much in thirteen years. He still sleeps more than any other creature, still isn't terribly bright, and still can't fight. He also still pees on rugs when he's too lazy to make it to the litter box. We're working on it, but it's been over a decade and I don't think he's going to learn.

I managed to prop him up long enough to interview him, but it was dicey for awhile. He nodded off at least twice.

O.R.B: Lump, now that I've got you here, I'd like to ask you a few questions. Just three, don't worry. You won't have to stay awake too long. Fashion trends have come and gone over the years and have ranged from silly to downright dangerous. Whether it was big hair and bellbottoms or collars starched so stiff they could kill a man, people have spent time and money to fit in with a crowd. What are your thoughts on the bed in the guest room?

Lump: I'm Lump. I like a bed. I like a floor, too. I like a soft floor or a hard floor. Pillows are good. I like blankets. I'm Lump.

O.R.B: It sounds like you have a good and varied assortment of interests. Now, they say the distribution of wealth in this country is disproportionate, that there are very wide gaps between the haves and the have-nots and that we should work on closing those gaps and making sure everyone has access to the same basic necessities for life. How do you feel after you've eaten a lot of wet food?

Lump: I like wet food, I'm Lump. Wet food makes me feel full. I lick my mouth a lot after wet food. Is there wet food? I want some wet food. I'm Lump.

O.R.B: No wet food as of yet, but tomorrow morning I promise you more will appear. Onto our last topic; the internet loves cats of all shapes and sizes. Just googling "cat" will get you a bevy of links ranging from serious to silly. Entire websites have gone up dedicated solely to celebrating the existence of certain breeds. Sanctuaries such as Big Cat Rescue do their best to educate as a way of preserving the lives of big cats. Presumably this will ensure that the world will be able to enjoy even the wildest cat species for many, many years to come. What is your favorite TV show?

Lump: I'm Lump, I'm a big cat. Except when you cut my fur and then I'm smaller. I like other cats. I like Meerkat Manor. I don't watch Meerkat Manor anymore. I miss it and I'm Lump.

O.R.B: Sadly, I don't believe Meerkat Manor is still in production, but I'm sure you could find a lot of similar programming if you searched hard enough.

Lump: I'm Lump.

There he is, friends. He's Lump. He's confident in who he is and what he stands for... well, what he sleeps for.

No comments:

Post a Comment