Three Questions with Snapshot

Snapshot, seen here contemplating destroying all you hold dear
I have a lot of cats, okay? I was only going to get one, but Lump's sister Snapshot needed a home and then I accidentally adopted Martin for my sister, who never took him like she said she would. So, that's three. Then came Link and Sakura (R.I.P. little FeLV+ kitties), and finally Uriko and Wheatley, and now I'm a single woman in her thirties living with five cats who vomit everywhere.

Just everywhere.

Snap's lovely and delicate and small. If you get her wet, you see that her bulk is almost entirely fur and she is, in reality, roughly the size of a ferret. Despite that, she's a murder machine. No squeaky toy is safe, no scratching post goes un-shredded, and no Lump goes un-beaten-up. She's thirteen and still has the energy and jump ability of a much younger cat. I'm not even sure she jumps, actually. She may just intimidate gravity into not applying to her for a few seconds.

I caught up with her one day while she was napping and she agreed to answer a few questions in exchange for a squeaky toy that hadn't yet been mangled beyond recognition.

O.R.B: Snap, you're looking extra fluffy this morning. Now, in the world today, we deal with a lot of talk of pollution, be it air pollution, noise pollution, or just the pollution of our minds with useless celebrity gossip and rumors. It's clear that we should be paying more attention to what we use to fill our time. How do you feel about Wheatley?

Snapshot: He is very dumb. He is also very big. Big and dumb. He thinks he can fight me but he doesn't understand that he is dumb. I have let him think he has a chance at winning but only because I pity him. One day he will cross a line and I will have no choice but to destroy him. In the meantime, I am content to chew savagely on Lump's neck while he is trying to nap, instead.

O.R.B: At least you have a hobby. Now, many women have what they would call a 'beauty regime.' Often this involves face wash, makeup, hair styling, and occasionally even perfume. This sort of self-pampering makes a woman feel beautiful and powerful. How do you respond to the accusations that you made me bleed yesterday by terrorizing Martin?

Snapshot: I do not deny these accusations. Your skin is no match for my claws, even despite your futile attempts to cut away their sharp edges. You also lack the armor that a luxurious coat of fur provides. Martin should know by now that when I'm having mommy time he may not enter a six-foot radius of you. He brought this on himself and thus onto you. He has to learn.

O.R.B: I see your point. Society these days has become very germaphobic, surrounding itself with bottles of Purell and a neverending roll of wet naps. How should the household respond to Lump covering the entire bin of cat toys in pee?

Snapshot: We must mete out swift justice. He should be executed immediately.

O.R.B: That's a little harsh. I was thinking more like keeping him in the bathroom when no one's home to watch him.

Snapshot: You never let me murder anything . This interview is over!

Interview terminated, Snap moved on to chasing Uriko around the house and tripping her when she tried to take a sharp corner.


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