Coming to terms with the fact that love is a lie

Us ugly people, we all grew up with Disney, with movies and television, with books and graphic novels that gave us visions of what our future would hold. We watched attractive high-schoolers hook up in empty classrooms; co-eds attending wild parties and having their wish to be noticed by the sexy TA come true; slightly frazzled twenty-somethings hooking up in bars; overworked and unlucky-in-love thirty-somethings finally finding that perfect person who would make them whole and teach them how to love again.

We were all lied to!

Bird by Haris Altaf
Bird by Haris Altaf [x]

High school was filled with disappointment and masturbation; college didn’t get more exciting than an all-night cram session (and not in the way we hoped we’d mean “cram session”); our twenties were filled with nothing but debt and confusion; and our thirties left us alone with our terrible thoughts while all our friends were settling down and having kids with that ideal partner they’d met at their high-paying job they’d worked so hard to get.

We know now that’s not really how the world works. For us uggos, romantic love has been mostly a fantasy. Maybe we’ve gone on a few dates, sure. Many of us have actually had sex, whether because alcohol was involved or just because someone felt sorry for us. (Side note: I find that claiming you’re a virgin in your early twenties works wonders for women. Men can be shallow idiots and sometimes they’ll get it up based on nothing but the fact that virgins are seen as some holy grail of sex partners. Though, it’s been a long time since I could pull that trick off without just getting a pity pat on the hand. If times have changed in the last decade, or you’re just too old, you may have to resort to anal.)

Sex and dates, though, don’t pay the emotional bills. For those of us who have no currency in the world of romance, life is different. Life for us wretched, unseemly tumors won’t involve invites to the hottest parties, or playing Seven Minutes in Heaven in grade school. We don’t get the benefit of certain awesome life experiences and we’re just going to have to learn to cope with that. Not coping will inevitably lead to depression, disappointment, wasting time and money, and maybe even something as dire as suicide.

Don’t commit suicide. That’s just letting the hot people win and those assholes have it good enough already.

Life can be about things other than romance, human companionship, sex, and taking care of a partner in the same loving way as he or she takes care of you. You can be independent, untethered, and productive. How do you think I wrote this blog series? It certainly didn’t happen while I was fighting off sexual advances from hordes of super models or fielding requests for my presence at fancy parties. No, I was able to sit down and write this book without the distractions reserved for hot people with great bodies. Not once did I step away to clink champagne glasses with my foxy partner to celebrate the anniversary of the first time we told each other we’re sexy sons of bitches. I wasn’t waylaid by the impulse to check my overflowing OkCupid inbox or spending time silencing the Tinder notifications about all the people who want to bone me. No, I sat my flat ass in a seat and typed because I had nothing better to do.

You can reach the same level of greatness achievement because you’re ugly too!

First, though, we have to face facts. We have to understand that many of the things we think we want are impossible to have. We have to take a long, hard look at our goals and understand which ones are unrealistic and which ones we should throw ourselves into achieving.

Marriage, kids, a house filled with the laughter of family, and weekly sex with someone whose appearance turns us on: out of the question.

Travel, being promoted to the top position at work, a home that stays exactly as we like it and doesn’t conform to the tastes of anyone else, expensive sex toys: Totally doable. We just have to switch focus.

Myself, I’ve decided to focus on two main things: Weight loss and writing. I’ve been obese my whole life and it’s never been fun. Sure, I was under the notion when I was 285lbs that losing weight would make my life instantly better, but that wasn’t the case. I’m what one would call a butterfat. Not butterface, because my face isn’t great either, but butterfat. You look at my face and think, “Man, that’s bad. But her fat gut is bad too, damn. I don’t know which is worse.”

They’re both bad, don’t waste time considering it. You have aromantic goals to attend to.

First, let’s go over those goals. Get a notepad or iPad or launchpad if you can manage to write on it, and jot down all your goals. Even the ones we know are impossible (love, close friendship, sex, that sort of stuff), write it all out line by line. Completely impossible goals are welcome too, they can help us down the line maybe. I’m just making this up as I go along, but I’ll trust my subconscious.

My goals are as follows
  1. Lose 45lbs so that I weigh 120lbs 
  2. Achieve success with my writing 
  3. Have sex with someone who looks like Colin O’Donoghue but who bangs like James Deen 
  4. Travel to many different countries 
  5. Invent teleportation 
  6. Teach my cats to stop walking on my face while I’m trying to sleep 
  7. Learn to fly a plane 
  8. Sing karaoke so well I’m discovered by an agent and turned into the next Sara Bareilles 
  9. Find a partner who loves to snuggle 
  10. Be wealthy enough to handle emergency costs with no stress over money 
  11. Look good in skinny pants 
  12. Find the perfect vegan coat (Why does EVERYTHING have to have wool or down in it, UGH!)
  13. Have reason to respond to, “Who do we call?” with a gruff and dire, “Everyone.” 
  14. Be in a long-term, monogamous, happy relationship with a cat-loving vegan with a high sex drive 
  15. Learn to consistently make delicious vegan nut cheese 
  16. Visit Disneyland at least twice a year 
  17. Build up enough muscle to be able to do pull-ups 
  18. Have a vacation house in Ireland 
  19. Learn to cook vegan food like a professional chef 
  20. Change my palate so that I actually like vegetables 

Now, let’s examine the list up there. Firstly, we see that 3, 9, and 14 are straight out because, as we know, I’m a monster. Secondly, some of those are probably a little too unrealistic right now, but maybe they could be achieved eventually if I far surpass goal 2 and get so successful every one of my books is on the best-seller list and I’m so wealthy I need several different bank accounts just to keep track of all my money. Surely money is all that's standing between me and teleportation!

The rest, though, should give me something to focus on other than my crippling lack of romantic prospects.

Saving to travel, learning to cook, writing books, and trying to perfect the science of vegan nut cheese can take the place of hoping that cute vegan I just swiped right on will like me back and actually answer me and treat me as a person. Nut cheese, travel, and vegan coat scavenger hunts are things I can control; being seen as a social liability by attractive people is not.

Wanting to lose weight is its own problem, but it’s at least something I can control. Achieving success with my writing seems to be purely luck-based, so all I can do there is to continue to write and publish, which I’ll do. The point is to keep busy so my mind never goes over and over what I can’t have. And you can keep busy too! It’s just going to take a lot of work, but let’s face facts: we have nothing better to spend our time on.

So, get out that list, jot down what you want, cross out what’s impossible, and see all that’s leftover for you to do and achieve!

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