Online Dating: Do's and Don't's

I mean. Don’t.

Have you never tried? Do you not know the bitter taste of disappointment and rejection? Have you gone your whole life skating by being ugly without knowing for sure that no one will ever love you? Well, don’t ruin the streak now!

Sweetest Smile by Adhi Prayoga
Sweetest Smile by Adhi Prayoga [x]

What are you even doing here if you don’t know the sting of being treated as the horse excrement you are? You don’t even know for sure if you’re ugly! You could just be shy! You don’t belong here, you attractive lurker. Get out! Go on, git!

Oh, my bad. You know you’re ugly, but you haven’t delved into the world of online dating and you’re curious what it’s like? You’ve been smart enough not to risk your feelings by putting your face online, but you’re still curious about the experience?

Well, let me educate you.

You start by looking through pictures of yourself. Awful, right? Already I don’t know why you’re interested in this. Having to see your own face is torture. But, that’s what you do when you’re going to get on a dating site. You could make a profile without a picture but that could lead to worse situations where you show up to meet the person who likes your profile (or just has nothing better to do than meet people he or she doesn’t know on a Tuesday afternoon) and they either see you and bolt without saying anything or sit awkwardly across the table from you at an Arby’s, wishing they’d seen you and bolted because good god you are no fun to stare at and jesus, they wish they’d known before messaging you that it’s physically painful to be in your presence.

So, you look through pictures of yourself. You try to find the one that makes you look the thinnest, or the plumpest or the least bony—whatever your deal is, you try to look like what your beauty ideal is rather than the swirl of sad maggot snot you are. You check different angles on your face to find the one that downplays your double chin or highlights your… well, whatever your least offensive feature is (mine might be my eyes, but I did have braces so my straight teeth could be slightly less unpleasant than my eyes) or whatever picture has the worst lighting and therefore will leave someone with nothing more than a vague idea of what your greasy face looks like out of the shadows.

Got that picture in your mind? It doesn’t matter, no one will ever behold it. Not if you’re smart.

You’ve got the picture, you’re on the dating site, you’ve signed up and now you’ve got to choose a screen name. Don’t go too clever with it, that can look desperate. Don’t go too descriptive or generic, either, that can set the tone for who you are before anyone clicks. Matt8284729 is about as interesting as a rock. UnicornGrrl2310 just makes everyone who reads it think your entire bed is covered in stuffed animals.

Which, it probably is, why not? No one but you will ever see it or sleep there. Just fucking live it up. Love those fucking unicorns, you hideous, pink-haired gorilla.

Choose a screen name, log in, upload the picture, and head to the profile section. Since you’ve been devoting your time to making your life interesting and filled with more than just weeping into your pillow over the latest thought you’ve had in regards to your unwanted reproductive organs, you’ve got shit to say!

It won’t matter in the end, since people will see your face and not click your page at all. Like, who really gives a shit anyway, this is all just a thought experiment.

Write up your profile, being honest about who you are and what you like to do. Talk about how you’re 10% fluent in Hindi, how you collect seashells, how your cats all know how to roll over and play dead, how you just hit the 65th unicorn in your stuffed animal collection and you’re thinking of expanding into a bigger apartment just so you have a place to store them. Don’t make it too long, don’t repeat yourself too much, and don’t ever expect to get a date out of it.

You’re not an idiot, after all. You’re learning to kite-surf for fuck's sake. You’ve got to be sharp for that shit.

Lest a shark get you.

Now, you sit back and wait. Well, not really wait, as you know this will never go anywhere. You know from many, many years of many, many rejections that you’re too ugly to bang. No one wants to caress your hair and look longingly into your eyes. No one’s ever spied you across a crowded room and thought, “Daaaaaaamn.” No one’s interested in buying you candy and trying to entice you to into the back of their windowless van. (That last one is probably a good thing, all things considered.)

There is a chance you’ll get messages. I’ll be honest, I've gotten messages here and there. They aren’t worth reading and never lead to anything other than crushing disappointment, annoyance at the state the humanity, and the thought, “why would you post that picture of yourself?”

But I got messages.

They were always just, “Hey,” or some variation on that.

“Hi.”

“Yo.”

“Hello.”

Nothing interesting or ground-breaking. Generally I’d look at the profiles and think, “This is a bot.” Or, “Well, this guy sees how ugly I am obviously thinks I’m 'gettable.'” This is not a good thing. You don’t want messages from people who think you’re 'gettable.' Gettable is just another word for, “I’ve got nothing better to nail, so unzip.”

You could be into that, if you’re hard up. There’s nothing wrong with sex or sharing your naturally mangled body with someone else, assuming you both consent and use protection. My issue with this is that “gettable” when it comes to me usually just seen as, “a cum depository.” I don’t want to have sex with some guy who basically just wants to masturbate using my vagina. What’s the fun in that?

Now, my only experience is as a straight woman, so I can’t speak to what other ugly people go through, but if you’re a straight woman looking through dating sites at all the men who will never be interested in you, steer clear of any profiles that feature lots of mountains in the pictures and lots of shirtlessness. I’m not sure what it is about dudes who like to hike topless through forests, but they’re usually dipshits.

Well, that’s basically all there is for online dating as an ugly person. You cringe as you choose a selfie, you feel a little boost of pride as you write a clever and funny profile, then you remember love is a lie and no one will ever lay hands on your distorted flesh sack outside of an emergency situation where you might die if some poor paramedic doesn’t give you mouth-to-mouth. After drawing the short straw over your wheezing and bloody body, most likely.

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