So you want to get fit

So you want to get fit. Good for you! It’s extra admirable to want to get fit when you know it will never be appreciated by anyone else. Sure, fit bloggers and weight-loss gurus talk about how you should really make these life choices for yourself, but those of us who can be certain no one finds us attractive know that’s bullshit. We know normal people get fit because they feel they’re not getting enough sex and they know shedding ten or twenty pounds will exponentially increase the amount of times they’re staring at the ceiling screaming, “oh god yes,” while someone goes downtown.

Hippopotamus by Anton Belovodchenko
Hippopotamus by Anton Belovodchenko on 500px [x]


It’s not hard to want to better yourself when you can be reasonably certain that looking better will be met with even more praise than you already get on a daily basis, come on.

Those of us who are pariahs and underprivileged in the ways of companionship know the real test is fighting forward in getting fit despite knowing that we will still be viewed as no more enticing than a half-rotten human finger sticking out of a child’s sticky birthday cake.

When there’s no sex to look forward to, getting in shape becomes all about living longer, breathing easier, having less body pain, and fitting into chairs. I mean, really, who the fuck cares about any of that? You do! Hell yes!

The good news about getting fit as an ugly person is that you’ll never be expected to dress cute, spend money on a gym (no one wants to see your rancid mug covered in sweat and straining against the weight of a leg press machine), or look at yourself in the mirror of a Zumba class. There are plenty of exercises for you, the lonely troll who scares small children just by walking by them on the street.

You can do yoga, you can do pilates, you can do Zumba at home on your own time, you can walk or jog or jump-rope. You can make up your own body-weight exercise routine and devote 30 minutes every day to shedding excess pounds and taking up less space. Most everything you need to get toned can be found in a free video on YouTube. Sure, you may have to listen to insulting platitudes from hot twenty-somethings who have been doing yoga since they were in the womb and started getting hit on the absolute moment they hit puberty, but you can mute that shit or fast forward.

They key is repetition and habit-building. Make a goal for yourself to exercise every day for a month and make sure to keep it up. They say it takes 30 days to make a habit and “they” may be full of shit, but that doesn’t mean it’s not good for you to get your sad, lonely heart pumping more often.

I have to be honest with you, though, fellow Trump booger, and let you know that exercise really isn't the key to major weight loss. In fact, in my many years of working to lose all my excess flab, I've gone long periods of time with barely any excess exercise at all and still lost weight. The key is (prepare yourself friends) eating better! I don't mean drop all interest in fried food and pizza, or eat only raw vegetables and organic fruit grown grown by virgin, mute nuns in the mountains of Tibet. Just learn how to food better.

When I started really paying attention to what I was eating and how much, I learned so much about my body and about how bodies work in general. Did you know that a family sized jug of soup is NOT one meal? Did you know that a normal daily calorie intake level is NOT 5,000? Did you know that you can ingest all your calories for the day JUST by watching a movie, drinking soda, and eating popcorn? Seriously! In two hours you can fill your body with all the "energy" it needs!

What the fuck, body?

Exercise can offset how much you eat, but when they say, "you can't exercise your way out of a bad diet" they really are telling you the truth (most of the time). I've found that there are many tips and tricks out there, but mostly it boils down to: Look at what you eat, eat less of it, and pay attention to foods you just can't even look at without going over the edge.

I don't keep cereal in the house because, sweet lord, I will eat an entire box in ONE sitting. Not even sugary, shit cereal either. Back before I knew Cheerios aren't vegan, I would EASILY suck up a whole box like a vacuum. I didn't even need almond milk, I'd eat those delightful little rings straight from the box, dry as they can be. Pay attention to your "trigger" foods and be sure to only have them as a rare treat and, preferably, only at a restaurant where you have to limit yourself to certain portions or pay a lot more money.

Don’t fall into the trap of believing this will make a difference in your level of attractiveness, though. I’ve been there and it’s a big mistake. It will only end in disappointment and dread, regret and revulsion at how stupid you feel. Exercise to live longer and achieve more. Exercise so you can hike to beautiful places and visit foreign countries without having to waste money on taxis and buses when you get there. Exercise so you spend less money on clothes (fat stretches out clothes, making you have to replace them more often, and fat people need more cloth covering their bodies than skinny people, which can also cost more!). Exercise so that when you randomly get so enraged at the unfortunate but inevitable state of your life, you don’t accidentally give yourself a heart attack. Exercise so you can devote more energy to volunteering for causes you care about. Exercise to make your goddamned friends and family jealous of YOU for a change.



Unless they’re all skinny and hot, in which case, fuck those assholes.

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