The upside to being alone forever

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching Chopped, it’s that families, friends, a personal life, and a spouse are nothing more than a hindrance to success as a chef.

trash dog by danilo biancalana
Trash Dog by Danilo Biancalana [x]

I’m not sure what it is about working in a kitchen that means you have to hustle 23.5 hours of every day, never sleep, never eat, disappoint your loved ones, miss your family, and get a thousand tattoos, but apparently it’s vital to the process of roasting a chicken or searing asparagus. This probably applies to other professions as well, which works out really well for us ugly people. We may have families and friends, but they all have loved ones to care for and be with, so they usually don’t want us around. That leaves basically all our time and energy for important things like career, volunteering, learning skills, and working on bettering ourselves. Without having the opportunity to be with someone we love deeply, we’re left with finding other things to fill our time.

You don’t have to go super high-falutin’ with this, of course. No need to learn six languages, build cancer-curing robots, or help tornado victims rebuild their home saunas. You could do something as lazy and selfish as watch every episode of every sci-fi show that’s ever existed and write massive, online compendiums about the significance of their main characters or set pieces. You could catalogue data that hot people would consider useless and not worth spending time on. You could create stop-motion reenactments of every Dr. Who episode using clay or paper or your fat, sleepy cat, Gretel Von Almondfoot.

The point is you can do whatever you want to fill your time. There’s no one else to worry about or think of when it comes to how you spend your time. You can travel and see what you want and get around how you prefer; sleep through a whole day in Frankfurt if you feel like it. It’s all about you!

Selfishness is something that overwhelmingly tends to be looked down upon in our society, despite the fact that humans are selfish assholes by nature. I’ve worked customer service for twenty-years and I can say without a doubt that people only really care about themselves. Even when they care about someone else, they do so because that person makes them feel good. It’s selfish at its core, even if there is generosity and giving involved.

So, indulge your selfishness. You know you’ll never attract a partner and that you have an extra big disadvantage when it comes to attracting other human beings to be near you or interact with you.

Who cares if you’re a little rougher around the edges than you would be if you had the chance to have sex with someone and then cuddle them and discuss what you want for breakfast the next morning? You get to live a life about what you want and, assuming you’re not a total jackass who wants to do things that hurt other people, that’s fine!

Be you, think about what you want, and think of life as a solo boat ride where you’re not only the captain but also the crew. Wear a damn pirate hat if it makes you feel cool, who cares! It’s not like it’s going to hurt your chances to get laid or anything.


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