Showing posts from October, 2017

The upside to being alone forever

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching Chopped, it’s that families, friends, a personal life, and a spouse are nothing more than a hindrance to success as a chef.

I’m not sure what it is about working in a kitchen that means you have to hustle 23.5 hours of every day, never sleep, never eat, disappoint your loved ones, miss your family, and get a thousand tattoos, but apparently it’s vital to the process of roasting a chicken or searing asparagus. This probably applies to other professions as well, which works out really well for us ugly people. We may have families and friends, but they all have loved ones to care for and be with, so they usually don’t want us around. That leaves basically all our time and energy for important things like career, volunteering, learning skills, and working on bettering ourselves. Without having the opportunity to be with someone we love deeply, we’re left with finding other things to fill our time.

You don’t have to go super high-falutin’ wit…

Crying into your pillow: some handy tips

Being ugly sucks. It’s not really something attractive people get, as we know. It’s lonely and it’s frustrating and it’s just hard. You see people around you living a life you know you’ll never have you just think, “What the fuck?”

Or maybe just, “Fuck!”

People around you complain about life experiences you can’t relate to and you think what a privilege it must be to get to complain about something you’ll never experience. The future you know you’re headed for is missing things that are inevitable for other people and your life is going to be harder because of it.

That sucks.

As hard as you’re working to better yourself, learn things, get fit, take care of your beloved pets, or save the world, there’s going to be that inevitable shitty day where you can’t shut your brain off when it’s determined to remind you of all the things that you can’t have. You’re gonna cry or rage or whimper. You’re going to want to chew off your own arm rather than see another commercial about a couple growin…

Online Dating: Do's and Don't's

I mean. Don’t.

Have you never tried? Do you not know the bitter taste of disappointment and rejection? Have you gone your whole life skating by being ugly without knowing for sure that no one will ever love you? Well, don’t ruin the streak now!

What are you even doing here if you don’t know the sting of being treated as the horse excrement you are? You don’t even know for sure if you’re ugly! You could just be shy! You don’t belong here, you attractive lurker. Get out! Go on, git!

Oh, my bad. You know you’re ugly, but you haven’t delved into the world of online dating and you’re curious what it’s like? You’ve been smart enough not to risk your feelings by putting your face online, but you’re still curious about the experience?

Well, let me educate you.

You start by looking through pictures of yourself. Awful, right? Already I don’t know why you’re interested in this. Having to see your own face is torture. But, that’s what you do when you’re going to get on a dating site. You could ma…

FREE book deal! Mixed Feelings

Are you ready for a great deal? Keep your clicking fingers poised then, because starting Friday, you can grab Mixed Feelings for FREE for your Kindle!

That's right, FREE! Tell your friends, your family, random strangers on the street!

This Saturday is National Dessert Day and Gwen likes nothing more than dessert, so I figure what better time than to get her out into the world?

Visit Amazon to download NOW for $4.99 if you just can't wait (or $14.99 if you want a paperback copy!) or wake up early Friday morning, hit up Amazon, and get your grubby e-paws on Gwen's first book! Then check out her other two novels and all her FREE short stories you can enjoy too, by checking out my website.

Hooray for dessert a free stuff!

So you want to get fit

So you want to get fit. Good for you! It’s extra admirable to want to get fit when you know it will never be appreciated by anyone else. Sure, fit bloggers and weight-loss gurus talk about how you should really make these life choices for yourself, but those of us who can be certain no one finds us attractive know that’s bullshit. We know normal people get fit because they feel they’re not getting enough sex and they know shedding ten or twenty pounds will exponentially increase the amount of times they’re staring at the ceiling screaming, “oh god yes,” while someone goes downtown.

It’s not hard to want to better yourself when you can be reasonably certain that looking better will be met with even more praise than you already get on a daily basis, come on.

Those of us who are pariahs and underprivileged in the ways of companionship know the real test is fighting forward in getting fit despite knowing that we will still be viewed as no more enticing than a half-rotten human finger stic…

OUT TODAY: Gut Feeling (An Empathy in the PPNW short)

It's October and I'm celebrating by giving you all a free short! Gwen and Mel are thrown together again, so naturally they bicker and then everything goes to hell.

Gut Feeling Despite how things went last time Gwen helped Mel on a case, she gives into the bribe he offers and agrees to let him drag her through miles of gravestones and gobs of mud on a freezing, stormy night. It's not for nothing, at least: Mel's been hired by a rich couple to locate their stubborn kid and drag him home, even if he kicks and screams the whole way. Mel's a werewolf, after all; he can handle a steel-toe to the gut if it comes to that. It's only after Gwen's fingers are numb and her patience is strained that she realizes Mel may not be the only dangerous creature out there among the tombstones. A cemetery, a necromancer, and the promise of a boatload of cupcakes: Gwen Arthur's about to have a very interesting Halloween.
Find Gut Feeling on Smashwords, direct download on my s…