How to respond to friends and family telling you that you're just fine

It got old a long time ago, right? That frustrating dismissal of our life experiences couched as a compliment. We know how irritating it is to be lied to and told we have a chance at romance. It’s the worst, right? Yeah, totally the worst. Unfortunately, there will be those times when it happens and we have to know how to respond. There’s the easy way, of course, which is to just express whatever feeling you’re having in the moment as viscerally as possible: yelling, crying, eye-rolling, creative and excessive cussing, etc.

That’s not productive, though, and usually ends up in a whole other slew of interpersonal problems that you, as an ugly person who has very little social conditioning, just won’t be able to properly deal with. So, how to we respond to these suggestions that we change the entirety of our lives and experience with the mere application of makeup or a dating site login or the incredibly insulting and annoying, “opening up to the possibility of love?”

Well, it’s going …

Coming to terms with the fact that love is a lie

Us ugly people, we all grew up with Disney, with movies and television, with books and graphic novels that gave us visions of what our future would hold. We watched attractive high-schoolers hook up in empty classrooms; co-eds attending wild parties and having their wish to be noticed by the sexy TA come true; slightly frazzled twenty-somethings hooking up in bars; overworked and unlucky-in-love thirty-somethings finally finding that perfect person who would make them whole and teach them how to love again.

We were all lied to!

High school was filled with disappointment and masturbation; college didn’t get more exciting than an all-night cram session (and not in the way we hoped we’d mean “cram session”); our twenties were filled with nothing but debt and confusion; and our thirties left us alone with our terrible thoughts while all our friends were settling down and having kids with that ideal partner they’d met at their high-paying job they’d worked so hard to get.

We know now that’…

What's it mean to be ugly?

What’s it mean to be ugly? I’m sure you know, if you're ugly yourself, but sometimes it helps to put things into words, even if just so you can explain to others so they’ll shut up and stop spouting motivational quotes or “helpful” life tips.

Being ugly can be so many things, can end in so many different scenarios, and can hurt in so many ways. It can be as simple as being ignored by your preferred gender or it can be as painful as being openly mocked and made the butt of cruel jokes. It can be a constant stream of insults and sneers or it can be strangers passing you on the street staring at your face in a way that makes you think maybe you’ve got a mangled opossum on your nose without realizing.

In most of my experience it’s been a quiet sort of awful. I’ve never been pursued by potential partners, I don’t get looked at or flirted with. No one has any interest in speaking with me outside of a mandated social or commercial situation. I’ve never understood it when women complain a…

So you are an unloveable piece of garbage

I’m thirty-five, divorced, childless, lacking any romantic prospects, overweight, and—most importantly—ugly. This isn't me being insecure and sad, this is my life, and since the advice for writers always seems to be, "write what you know" I'm going to write here about what I know: being ugly. I’m guessing you were drawn to the title of this blog post because you’re ugly too. After all, why would an attractive person pause long enough to read something aimed at us repulsive chunks? They have better things to do, like other attractive people.

Whether or not you’re an unloveable piece of garbage for some or all of the same reasons as me, you can be certain that I understand where you’re coming from. I’m not going to lie to you or spout platitudes in the hopes that you’ll spontaneously see yourself differently despite your years of being ignored, ridiculed, insulted, and forcibly celibate. I’m not here to insist you’re attractive in that way that suggests I’m only sayin…

Learning German: Mnemonics (Lesson 1?)

My best friend and apparent life partner Cody wants to move to Germany with me and all our 974 cats at the end of next year and, while I'm not sure that's actually feasible so soon, I like the idea. Just in case my writing becomes so famous that I retire from my day job and can write full time in Munich, I've been using apps on my phone and some print-out practice sheets off the internet to teach myself German.

Many of the words are exactly what they appear to be and I don't need any sort of help in remembering what they are (der Snack is exactly what it sounds like, for instance) but some things, especially now that I'm getting out of the simple, "how are you?" lessons, are tougher to remember. So, I've come up with some mnemonics to recall what's what and I figured I'd impart some of those to you in case you too are trying to learn German.

I used a few different apps, which has been nice because they each help me learn in different ways and …

Cold Feet update + Birthday trip pictures

Well, I obviously didn't make the May 1st deadline for Cold Feet's release. I've instead decided on the 10th (psst, you can pre-order the kindle here!), just so it's still available before I have my author event. I've finished all the edits and now I'm just waiting for the files to be approved and all that.

Other than that, my life's been mostly taken up by hobbling around awkwardly. My birthday was the 20th of April so I took my friend to Germany with me and had a lot of fun right up until I fell down some stairs and sprained my ankle.


It's been two weeks and it still hurts! My foot is still slightly swollen! I still have to hobble and work's been miserable, since part of my job is walking around a lot delivering stuff. Booo.

Other than that, though, Germany was pretty nice. Berlin was your typical big, dirty city, but it had some really amazing history. Munich was lovely, even though two of the four days we were there ended up being holidays …

Cover Reveal: Cold Feet

It's heeeeere! Gwen's third cover! I'm so excited to get this book out. It's probably my second favorite of Gwen's books, mainly because it involves a lot of what I love to write best for her: sniping. Gwen is an excellent sniper. Not... like, with guns or whatever; that's Chloe's deal. Gwen's good at the verbal type of sniping, where she and someone else--usually Mel--argue and insult each other for no good reason.

And Cold Feet has a lot of reason for that!

“Will you marry me?” Mel asks, making Gwen suspect maybe his presence has finally given her an aneurism. Of course she won’t, she thinks, before he offers her the most delicious cupcake she’s ever eaten.

Hang on, she reconsiders, maybe this could work.

Mel’s not completely sure it can work either, but he’s got a problem that Gwen seems unusually suited to solving. There’s a shady marriage counselor that bears investigating and seeing as how Gwen’s a therapist herself—and an empath—her help could be ju…