Drinking Alone

I quite enjoy drinking alone, if only because I don’t know any better. I’ve had a few drinks while out and about, but mostly I like to get sloppy by myself in my kitchen with music blasting or with some stupid TV show on. I like to put on a ridiculous movie and drink until I can’t tell what’s going on and barely remember having watched it in the morning.

I’m usually a good drunk, which not everyone can say. I get giggly and silly when I’m drunk. I argue with my cats and get vexed by my tortilla press and complain about the neighbors to no one in particular. I’ve worked the graveyard shift at a hotel for most of the last fifteen years, though, and I can definitely attest to the fact that not everyone is a good drunk. I’ve been berated, threatened, and irritated by drunks. I’ve had to save people from dying of alcohol poisoning and divert other people from vomiting onto the floor. I’ve had to clean up after people have missed the trash can or not made it to their hotel rooms. There are …

So your friends have abandoned you (to have sex with other people)

Life alone means life revolves around what you want, what makes you happy. Granted, there’s going to be a steep learning curve to find what makes us happy, because most happiness presented by society involves a partner.

You can be crafty, you can be caring, you can be cultured. Make things and sell them online, donate your time to a charity that really tugs at your heartstrings, learn all that weird shit you’ve seen in old movies, like what fork is the salad fork and how to walk naturally with a stack of books on your head. There are lots of things to learn for free on the internet, and many of them can be learned with podcasts, which can be heard while you're being productive. Clean your house, organize your junk drawer, go for a long walk or a jog to keep yourself healthy so you don’t fall apart at age 45, and listen to podcasts, audiobooks, Ted talks, anything that will keep your brain busy.
If you have friends who haven't wandered off to be with someone who doesn't look…

Motivational Quotes are Bullshit

We’ve all seen those quotes tossed around on Facebook or Tumblr or Twitter, those insufferable images made up of some vague and blurry, sepia background image with elegant text over the top.

“Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself.”“Get it, girl!”“She believed the could, so she did!”“You are beautiful.”“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.”“Stay positive!”“Be the girl who’s in love with her own life!”
Don’t they just make you want to vomit? They’re so clearly aimed at other people, people who have a chance at all the things you don’t. Girls who can wear a messy up-do and sweat pants to Starbucks and still get flirted with by the barista. Women who go to bars with friends and end up getting most of their drinks free from admirers. Boys who get, ‘Do you like me?’ notes slipped to them in class. Men who have the luxury of complaining about all the messages they get on OKCupid and how over half of them are from women they’re “just not that into.”

Meanwhile, you…

Being Optimistic About the Future: How to Fake That Shit

Good god, people are the worst, am I right? Always lying to you and claiming things you know are bullshit are true; always having relationships and talking about them. Those assholes, am I right?

Luckily, we’ll never be those people who spend their days conforming to what they think the person they currently fancy wants them to be. We don’t have to worry about impressing anyone because we learned young and often that, at most, people look at us and go, “eh.” And that was always a best-case scenario!

That being said, we will occasionally come across people who, by some strange trick of physics or the universe or magic, seem to want to be around us. For whatever reason. That reason will most likely be work or family-related—something borne out of necessity rather than actual attraction to our personalities or physical form, but it’s legitimate nonetheless. The problem here will come when the people you’re spending time with want to get to know you on some superficial level. They’ll want…

A tribute to Snapshot

I had plans to post another in my ugly series Monday but I didn't end up doing much of anything productive that day because I had to put down my cat, Snapshot. She's been slowing down for a few months, but I thought that it was just a natural progression, considering her age and the fact that she's always weighed roughly the same as a honeydew melon. Turns out she was probably sick with cancer, though you wouldn't have known until the very end.

I've known Snap since she was a baby, and had her for almost her whole life. Even as a miniature kitten (she was tiny even for a baby cat!) she was a destructive murder machine. I have vivid memories of my first encounter with her when she was a few weeks old and already terrorizing her brothers. She was an unstoppable force of speedy ferocity. During her life, no squeaky toy was left intact, no Lump was left un-tormented, and no shelf was safe from her tiny legs' ability to propel her to great heights.

I miss her so muc…

How to respond to friends and family telling you that you're just fine

It got old a long time ago, right? That frustrating dismissal of our life experiences couched as a compliment. We know how irritating it is to be lied to and told we have a chance at romance. It’s the worst, right? Yeah, totally the worst. Unfortunately, there will be those times when it happens and we have to know how to respond. There’s the easy way, of course, which is to just express whatever feeling you’re having in the moment as viscerally as possible: yelling, crying, eye-rolling, creative and excessive cussing, etc.

That’s not productive, though, and usually ends up in a whole other slew of interpersonal problems that you, as an ugly person who has very little social conditioning, just won’t be able to properly deal with. So, how to we respond to these suggestions that we change the entirety of our lives and experience with the mere application of makeup or a dating site login or the incredibly insulting and annoying, “opening up to the possibility of love?”

Well, it’s going …

Coming to terms with the fact that love is a lie

Us ugly people, we all grew up with Disney, with movies and television, with books and graphic novels that gave us visions of what our future would hold. We watched attractive high-schoolers hook up in empty classrooms; co-eds attending wild parties and having their wish to be noticed by the sexy TA come true; slightly frazzled twenty-somethings hooking up in bars; overworked and unlucky-in-love thirty-somethings finally finding that perfect person who would make them whole and teach them how to love again.

We were all lied to!

High school was filled with disappointment and masturbation; college didn’t get more exciting than an all-night cram session (and not in the way we hoped we’d mean “cram session”); our twenties were filled with nothing but debt and confusion; and our thirties left us alone with our terrible thoughts while all our friends were settling down and having kids with that ideal partner they’d met at their high-paying job they’d worked so hard to get.

We know now that’…